Person 2 Person Engagement
How Uncontrolled Anger Can Destroy a Family
The best available marriage researchers can actually predict divorce with over
90% accuracy based on the presence of excessive criticism/defense and
“marital contempt.” They can actually detect this negative, marriage-destroying
pattern of communication in less than 5 minutes of watching how a couple
discusses their top 1 or 2 "hot button issues".
For many marriages, un-managed
anger can also be a very serious and even dangerous problem. In the worst
cases, uncontrolled anger can lead to partner violence and child
abuse. At the physiological and health levels, chronic anger can also destroy
our health and lead to unhealthy coping strategies such alcohol and drug abuse.
To Put it Simply: "When
we Get Angry, We also Get Stupid"
As it turns out, there’s
actually an inverse relationship between anger and the ability to think
clearly, communicate effectively or problem solve. The problem is, a
healthy marriage and strong family life absolutely depend on
these communication skills. As I’ve often told my anger management
clients:
“- The angrier we get the
stupider we get.”
Our IQ, literally our human
intelligence, drops rapidly as our anger intensifies and escalates. For
some, this can mean dropping from the level of an intelligent, educated
professional, to the level of an angry, tantruming 2 year old. For those
prone to “explosive anger” all rapid drop in brain power can happen in just a
few seconds!
To protect your marriage and
your family from the devastating effects of excessive anger, it’s critical to
get the anger out your most important relationships. Here’s 3 part strategy for
quickly and effectively identifying an excessive anger or aggressive
behavior pattern and for getting that anger out of your relationship and out of
your life for good
1. Become an Armchair Anger
Management Expert – There’s no rocket science to anger
management. It’s just a set of skills based on a relatively small but important
body of knowledge. If you can read and understand this blog posting, you
can easily learn all there is to know about anger control in just a couple of
months. In fact, you can learn the basics in about 20 minutes.
For example, you'll need to
get to know your particular “Anger Style,” your most common “Anger Triggers”
and your “Anger Cues.” Is your anger style one of “bottling
up”? Do you allow the psychological effects of stressors to accumulate
inside over time, like a pop can that gets a good shake several many times as
the hours or days go by, only to explode when it’s finally opened?
Or, are you more prone to the instant “explosive anger style”, where all it takes is 1 specific trigger to cause you to blow your top right on the spot?
Anger triggers are
just what they sound like; - any person, place, behavior or thing that
sets off your anger response. Some common household anger triggers include: a
nagging or overly critical spouse or when the kids simply don't do what they're
asked to do or when they're acting up.
There can also be secondary
anger triggers like high stress levels at work, money management problems and
general marital distress. Learning how to identify and manage secondary
triggers like these can be a powerful way of reducing the negative effects of
the primary triggers that can set off anger in the moment.
Anger Cues, on
the other hand, are the bodily symptoms that can signal you that anger is
coming on or that it’s already happening. Commonly reported anger cues include
rapid heart rate, muscle tension, furrowed brow, clenched fists and rapid
shallow breathing. Some people tend to talk more quickly and more loudly
as they become increasingly angry.
One of the most important goal
of anger management is for a person to really get to know their anger cues.
It’s always best to stop the anger escalation process as soon as it starts,
before it get out of control.
The idea here is that anger cues can be used as signals that remind us to start our individual anger-control strategy, like taking a break, taking a brief brisk walk or self-invoking the relaxation response to keep us calm.
To start your daily study of
anger management, here’s a link to one of the best available summaries of
anger and anger control on the internet. It’s from the American
Psychological Association (APA). For people with potentially serious or
even occasional anger issues, this may be one of the most important
site visits of their lives:
2. Master The Relaxation
Response. As you’ll learn in the the APA Anger Management
Series, one of the most powerful anger management strategies is learning to
self-invoke the relaxation response in order to get and stay calm during
otherwise high stress situations. With just 20 minutes of daily practice,
a person can learn to self-invoke the relaxation response (totally relax their
mind and body) in just a few seconds.
As I've outlined in previous
posts, learning how to relax is one of the most
critical parenting and marital communication tools there
is. Mastering the relaxation response can also have a powerful positive effect
on our emotional and physical health. It’s also great to be able to calm one’s
self completely before or during important job interviews or public speaking
engagements.
Here’s one of my favorite
online resources for relaxation training. It’s from the University of
Arizona Counseling Center. It’s not flashy but it’s a free site, and the short
video and audio downloads are based on the best available relaxation response
research:
3. If all else Fails, Get
CBT Counseling. Remember, the jails are full of people who were
unable to control their anger. The excessive, life interfering aggression that
can results from uncontrolled anger is simply not something people should allow
to continue.
If you’ve self-identified as a
person with an anger problem, you need to put a stop to it right now. If you're unable to put a basic safety plan in place (i.e. you find yourself
getting uncontrollably angry) even after learning and practicing some basic
anger control strategies, I strongly advise that you get some brief counseling
help.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with an anger management focus is a great choice to help someone get a more serious anger problem under control fast. CBT is proven to get strong, lasting results in as few as 3-7 sessions. So you or your loved one won't spend thousands of dollars for an endless number of
sessions they many not get any practical results. Insurance companies love CBT because it’s cost effective and because it's results driven.
For couples experiencing or who are at
risk for partner violence and or substance abuse issues, Behavioral
Couples Therapy is a best available counseling option. For individuals,
partners or children at immediate risk of harm, it’s critical to contact your local
authorities ASAP. Safety has to come first.
To find a therapist in your area follow this link. Select your location, then refine
your search for CBT and Anger Management:
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